Two observations: one, that I could have saved my Finale of Half a Clue to this week and two: this challenge might be well suited to next week, i.e. Halloween.  I just hope Chuck’s got something better for us to post then.

Chuck Wendig complains he gets spam emails with weird horror overtones.  So he’s challenged us to produce our own spam emails – 500 words worth.  Wordsworth never had this trouble, did he?

Switch your email account now, lose weight and earn $5000

Congratulations!

You have earned the right to compulsorily switch your email account to the new system we’ve been working on and advertising for eighteen months now. Yes the day you hoped would never come. Instead of an old-fashioned email system that does all the things you want seamlessly click this button to download the new specially upgraded version.

Our gremlins have been working for years to get the perfection of mail that won’t load. Our ghouls in the works ensure that messages are garbled and our vampires suck the speed from your system so that you will be able to go at zombie rate – answering two emails every fifteen minutes. What could be better? Oh yes check out our customer service cadavers – they’ll do absolutely nothing but get you to check everything you’ve already checked three times to be certain and smilingly wish you a happy day and assure you they’ve fixed your problem. No?   We do not tolerate lying.

Included with this special but compulsory upgrade is the permanent attachment of a feezlebub. Your friendly feezlebub will ensure you never receive any of those mindblowingly lying emails that promise expensive pills to reduce your weight by ten pounds so you can fit in that wedding dress. You’ll be able to lose way more than that when you are ensnared in the feezlebub’s grip. You’re friends won’t recognise you when you walk up the aisle slender and a little pale but then white always did drain the colour from your face.

All you have to do in addition to clicking the link above of course (which will also ensure your hard disk never works again and all your passwords are compromised so your safely stored cloud data is barred from you forever) is to send $40 to my account in Haiti. This will secure you the share of the bonus funds that you are already entitled to courtesy of Baron Samedi who put your name down for them when you were a child. Didn’t know that? Well I bet you didn’t know your dad was a werewolf either! Ha ha that surprised you didn’t it? Now all the late nights every month make sense don’t they?

Now don’t delay because Baron Samedi has $500,000,000 waiting in this account and only the first 100,000 people to reply will get their share. That’s the magic number that ensures your soul will be saved from the devil. Some say it would be safer with the devil but what do they know? They haven’t got any brain left after it was sucked out by a passing gloobslobber.

Remember transfer your $40 to this account: Haiti006660SAM311014 and your share a minimum of $5000 will be released to your account in true vampire fashion.

Warren Greatorex

Head of email security

PS Don’t forget to click that link above.  It will be an eternal heart-warming experience.

(c) J M Pett 2014

Any resemblance to any spam or genuine emails I have received, or any experiences with any unnamed email systems, are purely coincidental.

Lack of commas in the text are intentional.  I couldn’t bear to get the grammar wrong too 😉

Flash Fiction Friday: Spammerpunk Horror
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5 thoughts on “Flash Fiction Friday: Spammerpunk Horror

  • 24 October, 2014 at 5:34 am
    Permalink

    I’m sure I got that one last week Jemima. Have you been going to ESP classes again?
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

  • 24 October, 2014 at 1:49 pm
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    Great fun, encapsulated a lot of what I think about when I see spam!

    • 24 October, 2014 at 2:00 pm
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      Yes, unfortunately it shows I have read some spam in my time!

  • 30 October, 2014 at 5:55 pm
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    So I’m actually reading this on 30 October, the day before Halloween. What a true cyber-horror tale. It certainly beats those Nigerian millionaires who need the help of anonymous, good-hearted Americans like me to help them hide their wealth in my bank account. Happy Halloween.

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