Not only is it time for the Insecure Writers Support Group again, it’s time for me to sink into that depression known as September Blues.
It creeps on through August: my book needs editing…, my book needs a rewrite… , my book is rubbish… and before I know it I’m in complete melt-down. This year it is compounded by not only getting The Perihelix ready, but also doing a story for the BookElves Anthology for which, quite rightly, my writing buddy made some heavy rewriting suggestions. I know she’s right. I knew it wasn’t good enough. I pretty much know how to fix it. I’ve even fixed half of it. She gave me some great suggestions for the ending. Trouble is, it’s not the story I wanted to write. It would be better if I just did it. Especially as her ideas are really good. But… I open the file, I look at it for a while, I solve a Sudoku puzzle or two, I reread the bits I’m happy with, and then… I go and make a cup of coffee, and check out whether I’ve got any instant gratification available in the form of cheese with any type of bread product. Preferably toasted.
And then I get depressed because I’m putting on weight and I really should get more exercise, and the nights are drawing in and the winter will soon be here and…..
Last year I finally admitted to someone that I get depressed. Not down for a day or so, down for months, usually for about three years every seven years. She said she did too; and she never admitted it to anyone in case they stopped her fixing it for herself. We are both masters at disguising it. We appear cheerful, competent, confident and able to cope with everything. Then we go home and, at the worst stages, we cry. And at that point, we accept we’re actually properly depressed, and we also start to come out of it.
This year I’m fighting a rearguard action by acknowledging now, that these things are triggers – autumn, the weight-gain spiral, and uncertainty over my value as a writer (which my head rapidly translates into value as a human being).
I know I’m not alone, and this is why I joined the Insecure Writers’ Support Group.
Thank you for listening, and now I will hold onto the sides of the pit and pull myself out of it.
Practical tip: there are no bread products in the house, and I am going to put on my shoes and go for a walk. Right now. Oh, hang on, right after it stops raining… Meanwhile, I’ll write that ending. Or do a blog post.
Do visit some of the other Insecure Writers who post on the first Wednesday of the month – or sign up and do the same yourself – at this website: http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/p/iwsg-sign-up.html
P.S. I’ve done the rewrite now, and I’m really happy with it. It’s good to have writing buddies!